Oh man, I am very tired, thought Santa.
It was THAT time of year again and it always seemed to be the same old thing. Trying to organise those elves was a nightmare. These young elves – Millenials or whatever they are called these days – just have no idea of how to do a job properly. He remembered the good old days – a hundred years ago or so. Boy, then you could pick up a young elf who was prepared to work 24 hours a day if needs be. And cheerfully, mark you! These young elves – well they just don’t seem to get it. There’s a very tight timeline here and lots of kids – about 1.98 billion worldwide – that’s a lot to deliver to in just one night. And boy – you cannot just yell at the elves anymore like in the old days. No, no. You will have a full-scale strike on your hands and then what would happen to Christmas? Too risky. So you have to sugarcoat everything.
This is when Santa’s thoughts turned to vacation. Wouldn’t it be nice, he thought, to spend a couple of months on a beach somewhere. If he could find a resort with a gym he could spend an hour there every day working out – boy he would look so hot after a couple of months….but…unfortunately with Christmas coming up he would have to go into fatten-up mode. Nobody likes a skinny Santa. He has to be round and jolly. He was tired of being round and jolly. He wanted to get his six-pack back and be the silver-grey hunk on the beach instead of the chubby guy in a red suit in the shopping mall.
Boy, he really was down in the dumps today. And why shouldn’t he feel a bit sorry for himself? Nobody bought him presents. OK, the odd glass of milk and plate of cookies was kind but did anybody stop to think that he might be dairy-intolerant? Sigh 🙁
Maybe he was just getting too close to retirement – the job wasn’t any fun at all.
But what sort of vacation would be best for him? A cruise? He had heard lots about cruising and how much fun it was. Would that be the best choice for him? Could be relaxing.
When he had done some research online (yes he did have a computer – he’s Santa you know – he has to have excel) he read some horror stories about flights being cancelled but he wasn’t worried about that. He had his own transportation thank you very much. Although the reindeer are a bit high maintenance – they seem to be constantly pooping and boy you need some pretty big poop bags to pick up after that crowd.
So perhaps that was the problem. He needed a break from picking up reindeer poop, chasing cheeky elves and doing all that ho ho ho lark. Maybe he should start being a bit impulsive. Put himself first for a change. Yes damn it – he was going to take a holiday and he was going to do it now! Right away. He would just throw his speedo into his big Christmas bag and jump on his sleigh away to some beautiful island …maybe Tahiti. Oh YES. That idea is so appealing.
But wait Santa …you can’t go now. Do you realise what the date is? You can’t leave now ….. S A N T A …..!!! Nooooooo
Come back Santa …. pleeeeeze.